he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We're too hungover to prance.
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