come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
