i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
