you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
