brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize