ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
