when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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