singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We are all done wearing pants today
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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