i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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