my phone needs a breathalizer
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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