Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
