I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
