dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
