counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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