cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
