My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i love accidental penises.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Alive.
So much puke
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
