I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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