does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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