When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
