I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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