I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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