I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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