I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
