Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize