Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
