wanna go halves on a baby?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
