i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
