She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
