I think my fart just growled at me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
