I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
