I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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