ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
