Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
