Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
