I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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