your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
