I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
