I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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