Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
