just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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