my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
