i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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