I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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