I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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