Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
