hotel room ftw
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
