every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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