...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
