If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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