He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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