Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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