when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
