my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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