Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
